First, before the official update & farewell to this blog, let’s go back in time…
June 5, 2010 | 11:35 a.m.
When you leave a place in which you’ve buried a little piece of yourself, it only becomes something frightening to have no idea when you will ever be back.
It’s why my heart broke a little leaving London. Not knowing.
I’m on the plane right now, American Airlines Flight 51, direct to Dallas, seat 32B, next to a small Italian woman from Naples whose wrinkles are indistinguishable from her laugh lines, so it looks like her whole face is smiling. Her fingernails are painted hot pink. She tells me she moved to Hertfordshire, just north of London, 52 years ago when she fell in love with an Englishman. I really like her.
I’m in the aisle, but I strained to see the green English fields out of the small window until the pilot decided it was time for me to let go, and the plane veered off to the right and I couldn’t see England anymore. Who knows when I will see England again?
See, the thing is, I don’t even understand the life I lived last fall. Constantly stressed out. Disappointed left and right. Perpetually exhausted. Frustrated and confused. And, if I’m honest with myself, unhappy a good bit more than I should have been. I wasn’t entirely myself, and I regret that for a number of reasons. I probably wasn’t much fun. I am generally pretty self-sufficient, but for maybe the first time in my life, I really, really needed somebody to help me keep myself from falling apart, or at least help me pick up the pieces if and when I did fall apart, and maybe that was too much to ask.
I don’t really remember that Nimisha, I don’t understand that Nimisha. I was kind of a hot mess.
That’s why I loved London so much, why it was difficult to leave! What might have been one of the worst semesters of my life (though don’t get me wrong, there was a lot of great stuff there, too) was followed by one of the best. Bipolar much?
In a much less abstract way, when I say I don’t understand the life I lived in the fall, I mean that I looked at several American dollar bills today in God knows how long and they looked too long and too thin and too green! I’ve got 4 different kinds of money on me right now: American dollars, British pounds, European euros and Hungarian forints. I didn’t have time to exchange all my money since I ended up rushing to get on an earlier flight because my original flight to Dallas got cancelled this morning (yes, more transportation woes, believe it or not!).
July 2, 2010 | 10:19 p.m.
I guess the food truck must have come around at about that time, because that’s where I stopped writing!
Well, it’s been just about a month since I’ve been back in the United States, since my dream of a semester came to a perfect end: Marcos, Melissa and I didn’t sleep our last two nights. We partied, we celebrated, then we watched the sun rise over a pier on the beautiful River Thames before catching a ride to Heathrow. I can’t imagine ending my semester in any better way, in any better place, with any better people. Since then, I:
- Spent 6 days in Flower Mound, which wasn’t nearly enough. Only got to see my sister for a few days! And I won’t go back until December . Definitely didn’t get my fill of Texas this time around.
- Got over any jet lag in a matter of hours… Seriously, I think people who claim to be jet lagged for days just use it as an excuse to sleep excessively… haha. I guess when you have a life schedule as ridiculous/irregular as mine, your body doesn’t register things like jet lag.
- Readjusted to life back here surprisingly quickly. Nothing felt weird, not even seeing my parents after 5 months. I think I adapt perhaps frighteningly well… The only things that took me a while to get used to were American money and not having to calculate 6-8 hour time differences. I still find myself pulling out two quarters and thinking they equal $1. (In my defense, two 50p pieces equal 1 pound in the UK.)
- Almost cried tears of joy drinking my first cup of good coffee in months. Went to Starbucks for an affordable cup o’ joe mere hours after landing in the US.
- Finally got a haircut, went to the dentist and the doctor (who looked at my damaged toes and told me I need new shoes. Thanks, Europe, for your damn cobblestone streets.) Learned I didn’t gain nearly as much weight as I thought I did!
- Discovered a drawer-full of clothes I didn’t take to London that I forgot I had — it was like Christmas!
- Roadtripped from Dallas to Los Angeles with my parents for the second time in less than a year. I love that drive. The American Southwest continues to fascinate me! I could ramble on about it and everything I think about those dusty deserted towns, but I’ll spare you the extra words.
- Started my internships at KNBC and GOOD in L.A. my first week back!
- Roadtripped by myself to NorCal — the 5.5 hour drive is really not bad! I only started getting bored/lonely after the first 2-3 hours. Reunited with Nehali in Stockton, spent a day in San Francisco (which I fell in love with — what is it with me and cities/why can’t I be that way with human beings?!) with the parentals & other family, roadtripped back to L.A. in a matter of days.
Now, I’m finally settling into some kind of regular schedule after 6 months. I generally work 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., Mondays through Thursdays. Both my internships are great and my supervisors are awesome, which is a huge relief. I’ve spent the rest of my time obsessing over Bamboo Offshoot, of which I am the editor-in-chief for the 2010-2011 school year. I am determined to make that publication better if it’s the last thing I do at USC, dammit!
I’ve also been reuniting with people whose lovely faces I sorely missed, I’ve been a tourist in L.A., I’ve been to La Barca for margaritas more in the past 2 weeks than I have in my entire time at USC.
I miss London all the time, but… Life has been good! I am good. The weather is beautiful, and so are the purple flowers that are everywhere. I’m loving being at USC in the summer. I feel like myself again, and in fact, I think I feel like a slightly better version of myself. A version of myself whose faith in people is maybe a little more guarded than it used to be, but who’s learned a lot of important lessons that needed to be learned the hard way.
I left for England in January a little jaded and a lot exhausted by life for various reasons. My head was a mess, and London was the best thing that could have happened to me. While I was away, I learned to look my demons in the face, recognize that they exist, and I learned to make peace with them. It’s good to be someone you really like being again. I’m so very excited for senior year! The greatest, most valuable, most relieving thing is –
I am optimistic again.
And that is where I will leave that. That is where this entire adventure — and this blog — come to an official close.
P.S. I used enough words in this blog to last a lifetime, and I gushed about life/London/my feelings more than I’ve ever cared to since my semi-emo middle school Xanga days, so no more of that, I’d like to crawl back behind my gauze of slightly reticent mystery. But I’m not completely disappearing from the e-world! >> http://nimishathakore.tumblr.com